How Men Communicate in Relationships + Tips for Solving Misunderstandings
Men and women communicate differently—breaking news from 1950, right? Yet every couple still has that moment where they look at each other and think, "Are we even speaking the same language?"
Why is this topic still so popular despite decades of research? Because it's still so frustrating, and neither side is going to change. So where do we go from here? Short answer: we adapt.
Adapting is the key to successful relationship communication—not expecting change . . . unless you want to frustrate yourself. Adapting means understanding your partner's communication style and being willing to adjust in service of your shared goal: enjoying a full life together.
Understanding gender differences is a start, but it's not enough when both sides still expect the other to change. Add adaptation to understanding and you have a foundation for greater harmony and fulfillment.
Let's start with how men and women communicate differently, then dig into common misunderstandings and practical solutions you can use.
How Men and Women Communicate Differently
I argue that many women communicate like novelists—describing every detail of the carpet, wall texture and window light—while many men communicate like screenwriters who simply write "INT. BEDROOM – DAY." Both forms of communication are valid and effective; though things can get lost in translation between novelists and screenwriters.
The real question is whether novelists can adjust their expectations when encountering the work of screenwriters, and vice versa.
I recently conducted a little experiment. I asked men to quickly name 10 colors. Without fail, they could quickly rattle off primary colors and a few derivatives before they had to start thinking harder. It’s not that they couldn’t, but they needed more time to finish the list.
On the other hand, women didn’t even pause as they passed 15-20 colors. I had to stop them, especially when they named colors that I, as a guy, have never heard of.
What was the point of this experiment? I find it’s a helpful way to illustrate the difference between how men and women communicate. I would also argue that women have far more experience having conversations about relationships. It’s a common topic with their friends. As a result, finding the most effective words comes more naturally.
By contrast, men don’t spend nearly as much time in conversations about relationships, especially with our guy friends. When we do, they’re short and to the point . . . INT. BEDROOM - DAY.
Again, screenplays aren’t better than novels, or vice versa. The point is to understand and appreciate both.
Common Relationship Misunderstandings Between Men and Women
The following are common questions women ask me about why men communicate the way we do in relationships. While I focus on answering these questions from the perspective of a male therapist, I’m calling on both sides to understand, appreciate and adapt.
Why Don't Men Listen When Women Talk?
When asked this question recently, I asked the women if they were asking why men disregard the advice, suggestions, guidance or direction being given by a woman, OR why men literally tune-out women while they are talking? “Both!” the ladies said.
The first one may or may not be based on sexism. Either way, it’s pretty shitty! Men who disregard what women have to say out of sexism have come to believe that women are not credible, at least on the topic at hand. Like any prejudice, it’s without truly knowing her knowledge, experience or opinion on the matter.
Think about the court scene in My Cousin Vinny when the prosecutor dismisses Marisa Tomei’s character’s knowledge about cars before appreciating her background. Spoiler alert: the prosecutor got schooled!
For some men, it’s not rooted in sexism. They globally assume that the other person (man or woman) doesn’t know as much as them and is, therefore, not credible. Those men should remember that others may not know as much as you, but it doesn’t mean they don’t know something new to you.
The second version of the question—why men literally don’t listen to women—also has two reasons. The first is passive-aggressive communication. Rather than him saying, “I don’t have any interest in what you’re saying,” he’ll simply distract himself with something (anything) else.
The other reason is less in his control. If he feels overwhelmed by the conversation, especially if it’s an intense or emotional argument, his mind might actually shut down. This is evident when you see him zone out. This is a sign to pause the conversation.
I encourage guys to be open to her ideas on a topic even if you believe you know more. Knowing more than someone on a topic doesn’t mean you can’t learn something new from them.
Why Do Men Shut Down During Arguments?
When a person “shuts down” in an argument, it is a fail-safe response that it is in everyone’s best interest to respect. When a man does this, his mind has reached its limit on being able to engage in the argument anymore. As a result, he will disengage.
If a couple is playing tennis, and the man simply exhausts himself, he will shut down and take a break. There is no point in the woman continuing to hit balls at him . . . even if she’s not done playing. (This isn’t exclusive to men. If anyone becomes overwhelmed physically and/or emotionally, they tend to require a breather.)
Another reason men shut down is because, although he’s not making valid points, he’s not ready to abandon his position. He often wants to take a “time-out” and think about other points that support his position. I’d prefer that men call “time-out” rather than just shut down. It’s okay for him to say, “I hear your points, but I’m still not totally convinced. Let me take some time to think.”
Finally, a reason men shut down during an argument is because his ability to engage in a healthy, calm argument may also have limits. He knows that if he goes beyond this limit, he might succumb to his more primitive style of arguing; something he’ll regret.
If an argument presents itself at the end of a long day or maybe just before bedtime, then hold it. Make a “date” to talk about it at a time when both of you are more refreshed. The insisting on having an argument is as problematic as the other shutting down.
For men, you need to condition yourself for longer matches (tennis analogy) and/or let your partner know how much you can withstand. Just going silent is like staying on the court like a zombie, without saying a word. Let her know you’re willing to pick up the match tomorrow (and then follow through).
Why Do Men Avoid Difficult Conversations?
The answer to this question is pretty obvious: because they’re difficult! Duh! Many people (men and women) avoid things they’re not good at or that they fear.
Women tend to make this complaint as it relates to sensitive conversations about feelings or relationships. It is no secret that men are not as well conditioned to discuss feelings of sadness, love, shame, regret and disappointment as eloquently as women.
Men have reported to me that they are afraid they’ll say something that will make things worse. The positive sentiment is that they care enough to not make things worse. Believe it or not, the intention is positive.
Men don’t just avoid difficult conversations with women, we often just “wait it out” with our male friends until it blows over. This may work with other men, but not when our partner needs more. In these cases, men need to adapt.
Sometimes it helps to establish the “difficult conversation” as safe. It’s safe to speak freely, even if he trips over his tongue. It’s safe to disagree; that the issue is not a deal-breaker for the relationship.
Difficult conversations are difficult for everyone. Only therapists seek them out, and we’re even uncomfortable with them. W'e’re just comfortable being uncomfortable.
Why Do Men Get Defensive When Criticized?
The women asking this question acknowledged that nobody likes being criticized. Nonetheless, they still wanted to know why men get SO defensive. It wasn’t a question of whether defensiveness is a valid response, but the intensity.
As a therapist, I constantly evaluate the intensity of a response versus the intensity of the trigger. The greater the gap, the greater the likelihood that an underlying issue is at play.
One has to consider when and how a criticism is delivered while, simultaneously, evaluating how it might be received. Let’s assume that the criticism was delivered in a constructive, calm manner to a man that was in a receptive state of mind. If intense defensiveness is the response, there is a high likelihood that the criticism triggered something painful for him. The criticism, no matter how well-intended, plucked a sensitive nerve. Although his response might be off-putting, it’s a sign that something inside him (not necessarily your external criticism) needs attention.
Men put a lot of energy into hiding our shortcomings in a world we feel will be unsympathetic. To shine a light on our faults (e.g., physical, financial, intellectual, professional, etc.) is to trigger our shields. It’s not just the intensity of the criticism but also the sensitivity of the nerve it strikes.
In these circumstances, women don’t deserve to be snapped at, and men would do well to assume her intentions are not to be hurtful. Similarly, any person considering criticizing or highlighting someone’s shortcomings should consider the most effective time, place and method. When in doubt . . . ask!
Why Do Men Struggle to Apologize or Admit They’re Wrong?
Let’s start by acknowledging that no one enjoys being wrong. We don’t strive to be wrong; we strive to be right. Being wrong is disappointing even if on the slightest scale.
I’ve observed that when women admit to other women that they were wrong, it turns into an opportunity to bond. By contrast, many guys confront a man who’s wrong with, “Ha! Told you so!” I believe that too many men assume they’ll get “wrong shamed” by their partner too. Therefore, they avoid admitting they’re wrong . . . never mind apologizing.
The other issue women seem to ask me is why men don’t verbally acknowledge they were wrong even after all of the contrary proof is staring them in the face.
Men hold a fantasy deep in their minds that they are (or should be) “ideal men.” The ideal man knows what he’s talking about and knows what he’s doing (always). It’s easy for men to verbally acknowledge that they’re not ideal or perfect. The problem arises when we don’t act like it’s okay. We harbor unconscious fear that it’s not safe.
Some men equate being less-than-ideal as being inferior. Society, in fact, tends to reinforce this for men. Society refers to the second best team in the NFL as the team that “lost” the Superbowl. Some men feel the same amount of pressure to be right all the time because coming in second feels like coming in last.
To women, I ask that you consider that there are some areas in life where men experience very real pressure to be right (e.g., their job). It’s a tall order to feel “safe” with one person (you) and feel on-guard with everyone else in our lives.
To men, I ask that you consider that the player who lost the championship game is still better than 99% of the field. No shame in that! And verbally apologizing does not make you less of a man—in many instances it’s quite the opposite.
Tips for Solving Misunderstandings in Relationships
Now that we understand the differences between how men and women communicate, here’s how to bridge the communication gap in relationships:
Appreciate the different yet equally valid ways novelists (women) and screenwriters (men) communicate. Adjust your expectations both as the reader and the writer.
For women, don’t assume that his apparent lack of listening is an intentional affront to you. Check in with him when he zones out. He may need a break.
For men, you’re already telling her you’re losing interest in the conversation by checking out; so just go ahead and do it with words. Tell her you need a break.
If you know your man finds difficult conversations challenging, then consider priming him. To guys I say, even if you’re not interested in having the conversation, respect that it’s important to her and make the compromise.
Know that a defensive response from a man (or anyone) is a defense against feeling something painful. If your criticism is met with defense, consider that it hurts and adapt accordingly.
While neither men or women will likely ever change their unique communication styles, a path towards a deeper connection is possible. The key is to understand the differences, find a way to appreciate them and adapt to them. Being frustrated at times is okay—just try to remember it’s not personal towards you; but it may be very personal inside of him.
If you’d like to better understand both your and your partner’s communication styles, contact me to schedule a free consultation.
Josh Batista, MA, LMFT, is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Los Angeles and author who writes no-nonsense insights for understanding men and relationships. He specializes in counseling men resistant to therapy, couples and executives. If you're struggling with relationship issues, visit joshbatistamft.com to request a free consultation.