Why Do Men Cheat? The Psychology Behind Male Infidelity
The question “why do men cheat?” isn’t new. It’s been asked and answered countless times. Yet you're still searching because you’re looking for a reason that carries as much weight and complexity as the emotional pain you’ve experienced.
What follows comes from both sides of the couch—a therapist who has guided countless men and couples through infidelity, and a man who's lived it himself.
I’m not bragging when I tell you I’ve been on all three sides of the “unholy trinity” of infidelity. Cheated on multiple times? Check. Been the guy women cheated with multiple times? Check. Cheated on women multiple times? Check. Knowledge and expertise do not always come from noble moments in our lives.
The following reasons (or explanations, not excuses) are NOT listed by frequency or likelihood, but organized from behavioral to more psychological.
6 Core Reasons Why Men Cheat
1. Opportunity Combined with Poor Impulse Control (Very Behavioral)
Sometimes there is no deep psychological reason for men to cheat. Sometimes it's just a man with poor boundaries who finds himself in a situation where the opportunity to cheat is laid out in front of him, and he lacks the moral fortitude to walk away.
Travel, alcohol, emotional vulnerability, stress—these can create the perfect storm of poor decisions. Men who haven't clearly defined their personal boundaries, or who haven't considered the real consequences of their actions beforehand, are most vulnerable to these scenarios.
The behavior of cheating can also come from a lack of maturity. Regardless of age, some cheating men simply have not matured beyond an adolescent or early adult mindset. This is often associated with a desire to live in a time when it was acceptable and fun to live a romantically frivolous life. Everyone knows that at the end of growing up is death. Who wants to go in that direction? Not the cheating man who lacks the maturity to accept the pros and cons of maturing.
2. Sexual Incompatibility or Dissatisfaction (Mostly Behavioral)
Some men cheat due to sexual incompatibility. Let's be honest about something many relationship experts dance around: being turned on by your partner matters. If a man is missing the frequency, intensity and/or creativity of the sex he used to have, he may make the catastrophic choice to seek it out. By “the sex he used to have,” I’m referring to either the sex he had before he met his partner OR the sex the two had early in the relationship.
Healthy relationships require honest conversations about sexual needs, but many men lack the emotional vocabulary or courage to have these discussions. Whether it’s a lack of initiative, lack of reaction to initiative, lack of oral, lack of oral enthusiasm, limited positions, limited locations, lack of sex talk, or no longer finding his partner physically attractive . . . some men lack the courage to talk about it.
So they act out instead of speaking up.
3. Avoidance of Relationship Problems (Somewhat Behavioral, Getting Psychological)
Some men cheat to avoid problems in the relationship. It’s often said that, “Something is missing in the relationship.” Seeking to fill in missing gaps in the relationship is, in fact, a common reason. However, there are more that need to be put on the table for discussion.
Some men cheat because they want some relief. Not from you but from the frustration they experience when the real work of relationships kicks in. When the honeymoon gives way to routine; when closeness gives way to wanting alone time; when the shared life that was built feels like never-ending responsibilities . . . they seek an escape.
I've worked with men who felt trapped by financial obligations, children, or social expectations. Rather than confronting difficult conversations about intimacy, they find temporary relief in someone who doesn't know about their problems. They want an escape…just for a minute.
The other missing element of the relationship can simply be a connection. Too often couples lose the same level of interest and warmth towards each other as they had in the beginning. When men feel a lack of connection with their partners, the allure of another connection is amplified. The pleasure of “feeling wanted” again may be too hard to resist.
The more psychological issue is the fear he harbors between his ears of engaging in potentially emotional conversations about this stuff. Some men will go to extreme lengths to avoid opening themselves up to their partner in ways that, albeit beneficial, exposes vulnerabilities they’ve worked so hard to avoid. Most cheating men are carrying a ton of fear . . . the biggest being the fear to talk about it.
4. The Need for External Validation (More Psychological)
Now for more psychological reasons. Many men cheat because they struggle with deep-seated insecurities about their worth, attractiveness, or capabilities. Because of the behaviors that stem from these issues, men don’t get much sympathy. But these issues are real! Remember, these aren’t excuses . . . just reasons.
There are a lot of men who want the high that comes from being the object of desire for women. Not one woman, but WOMEN! But like a bucket with holes, no matter how much they feel it, it’s eventually not enough. The high of being desired by someone new can override the sedative comfort of commitment.
Aging men must confront that they are no longer the hottest guy in the room anymore. Women are flocking to the guys with tighter abs, more hair and younger energy. This isn’t necessarily how women view it, but this is how men feel as they get older. Therefore, he might be tempted by some late-life experiences of feeling like the object of a (new) woman’s desire.
The problem is that finding “someone new” eventually gets old. Those who don’t grow out of it will not just be the least hot guy at the bar, but they’ll end up being the old man at the end of the bar at closing time, alone.
5. The Need for Internal Validation (Very Psychological)
Another psychological issue that leads men to cheat is based on narcissistic tendencies. I’m not implying that cheating men are narcissists, at least in strict clinical terms. That said, some men cheat based on tendencies associated with narcissism. Let me explain . . .
The only thing more intense than a man’s desire to be seen as “alpha” is his fear of being seen as “omega” (last letter of the Greek alphabet). In other words, his desire to be the most wanted man in the room is only usurped by his fear of being the least desirable man in the room. Or worse yet, being unseen entirely. This one runs deep!
As a result, some men feel entitled to variety. They’ve submitted themselves to a belief that they deserve to be the alpha-male that gets to be with as many women as he chooses. These tendencies are not reserved for the wealthy or powerful, but for any man who hates the idea of feeling “less than.”
6. Unresolved Abandonment Issues (Mostly Psychological)
Finally, some men cheat because of deep-seeded, unresolved issues from his past. Since there are far too many examples of diagnoses, traumas and issues . . . I’ll use my own to illustrate.
I'm not the only man on earth who has experienced abandonment. Not all men who have had this experience will cheat, but all men who have experienced it will be affected by it until it is resolved in a healthy way.
In my case, I was abandoned at birth and bounced around foster care until I was adopted. By then the template was set. Anyone who claimed to love me would go away eventually. This faulty thinking got validated during the normal experience of youthful romances and heartbreaks. By the time I was a young adult, I figured that there was no point being faithful to anyone if they were going to leave anyway.
The cheating man who desperately needs to feel wanted is the man that harbors a feeling of being “unwanted.” This is a deep, profound pain that usually comes from some experience of feeling rejected by key people at key times in their life.
To avoid the deep pain of feeling unwanted and rejected, this man will exercise his ability to demonstrate that he is wanted by other women. This can only be satisfied if he follows through and successfully hooks up with someone else.
If you are a woman reading this with a broken heart or a tender wound, you have my sympathy and apologies for our actions. I understand that knowing the reasons won’t make the pain go away. Just because I know what causes the flu doesn’t make having the flu any better. However, knowing the reasons does make you more able to see it coming and prevent it.
If you are a man reading this, can you be honest enough to ask yourself if any of these reasons ring true to you? Ask yourself if the intensity of immediate benefits truly outweigh the intensity of the future consequences. Just know that cheating men don’t do it because of external forces but rather from internal issues. The only thing “external” is the people you’ll hurt along the way.
If you’re ready, there are therapists ready to help. If you want to talk to me about it, reach out to schedule a free consultation.
Josh Batista, MA, LMFT, is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Los Angeles and author who writes no-nonsense insights for understanding men and relationships. He specializes in counseling men resistant to therapy, couples and executives. If you're struggling with relationship issues, visit joshbatistamft.com to request a free consultation.